While I have no regrets about how I’ve turned out or where I am today, there were plenty of times when my younger self was ruled more by her heart than her head. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it isn’t always a good thing either. At that tender age, it’s not uncommon to crave attention and seek validation, especially when you’re still figuring out who you are and where you fit in.
I grew up in a noisy, boisterous household with three brothers and no sisters. Papa treated me like the princess of the family, although his regular, lengthy trips away from home meant that Mama was the one tasked with making sure I learnt the skills necessary to survive: cooking, sewing and playing mahjong. The rest of the time, I was busy trying to fit in as the “fourth brother”. And as anyone can imagine, that involved a fair amount of roughhousing. In fairness, my brothers were gentle with me. Most of the time.
I was a timid child, something many of my long-time adult friends would probably find hard to believe. I was the complete opposite of Mama, whose social calendar was always packed to the brim. She was fiercely protective of her brood but wouldn’t hesitate to reprimand us when necessary. I, however, rarely bore the brunt of it because, hey, I was the princess. My brothers also had larger-than-life personalities that I quietly admired. As a teenager, I was often introduced as the sister of this brother or that brother. So, while I wore a princess’s tiara at home, I was a commoner out in the world.
And there was nothing particularly exciting about being a commoner. I didn’t struggle with school, but neither did I excel. I simply went with the flow, as I’d describe it now. If a group of girls asked me to join them for an outing, I went. When I was asked to sign up for a swimming competition, I did. When a boy approached me for my number, I gave it to him. There was very little thinking involved. I’d become a “yes” person, no questions asked. It didn’t matter if the girls were the noisiest gang in the neighbourhood, that I swam only well enough to keep myself alive (and consequently finished last in the competition), or that I knew absolutely nothing about the boy asking for my number. And yes, we’re talking about the house landline here. Cellphones weren’t a thing back then!
Some might call me reckless, but having grown up with three brothers, believe me, I knew what reckless looked like. These decisions weren’t really about throwing caution to the wind. Looking back, I think they were more about wanting to be recognised as Leah, not just someone’s sister. I wanted to prove that I could hold my own, independent of the family name my brothers had effortlessly made somewhat popular. Perhaps I was also trying to break out of the “timid girl” shell I’d been wrapped in for so long. Whatever the reason, I was determined to find my place in the world, even if I wasn’t always entirely sure what that place was.
I survived many of the questionable decisions I made in my younger years, and they undoubtedly helped shape the person I am today. Still, there are times when I wish I’d known better. So, if I could go back in time and give my younger self some advice, it would be this: STOP. THINK. AND LISTEN TO YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CROSS THAT DAMN ROAD, GIRL!
Because sometimes, in our eagerness to be accepted, noticed or included, we forget to ask ourselves a rather important question: Do I actually want this, or am I just saying yes because someone asked? Of course, hindsight is a wonderful thing. These experiences, along with plenty of others, were lessons I probably had to learn the hard way. And while I still make questionable decisions to this day, at least I’m no longer the impressionable young girl who thought saying yes was the easiest way to find her place in the world.
Besides, no matter how old I get or how much I learn, some things never change. My family still recognises me as THE PRINCESS, and for that, I owe them a debt of gratitude. 👑
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